im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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