I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
