i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
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I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
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Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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