i need an iv and a liver transplant
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
