When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
