Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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