in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
