I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
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he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
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I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's shark week go big or go home
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