perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
