1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
