If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
