farters have to be the big spoon...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
