Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
