I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
