I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
