she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just gift wrapped bread.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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