you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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