i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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