how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
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