Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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