You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
