Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
