a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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