Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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