Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
