I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
