I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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