He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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