I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
