YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
