Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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