now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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