dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
