I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
