He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
