Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
