After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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