shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
