So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
