Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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