He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
