i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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