I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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