I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
