Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
