3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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