I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
