I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
