just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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