She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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