Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
