I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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