I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
