Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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