He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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