FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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