Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
