I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
