He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
