why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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