Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize