Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
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You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
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I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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