Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
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I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
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I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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