I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
you never un-have a 4some
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
